What is Sexual Freedom, Really?

We might as well be sleeping with our priests, parents, politicians, and doctors. A provocative statement, for sure, but think about it: When we decide to engage sexually with whomever we happen to fancy in the moment, it's not just you and her (or him), a pile of condoms, whips, rope, and several hours of free time.
Who we are and how we behave sexually, what our sexual do's and don'ts are, are impacted by the sex negative conditioning that most of us have been unable to escape in the way we've been socialized. Be honest with yourself - when was the last time you were so totally present with whomever you were engaging with that you couldn't hear the little voices in your head providing a continuous self-critique? And curiously, aren't those thoughts the very same things that your dad or mom used to say, that your priest or other religious leader mentioned in sermon when you were a kid, that some other authority figure used to tell you to shame you into thinking that there was something inherently wrong with your sexual fantasies and desires?
"You are a dirty old man for liking this.", "I'll go to hell for behaving this way." "Masturbation is only for lonely desperate people.""Kinky sex is perversion and inherently sick, therefore I must be..."
We don't give ourselves half a moment to wonder when or why the hell we started believing all these things anyway, or if they actually make sense...
Human sexuality is wonderfully complex and diverse. In my opinion, as long as engagements are consensual and safe, who cares whether you get off having a latex-wearing cowboy fuck you from behind while you're dressed in drag as Barbara Streisand?

Speaking the Unspeakable?

One thing I hear time and time again from my clients is that they don't know how to communicate about their particular fetish or fantasy to their significant others. In a perfect world, partners would hold for each other a space of unconditional love within which the couple could explore together like children in the playground of their mutual imaginations. Unfortunately, due to the prevalence of sex-negative conditioning in the way most of us have been raised, we don't know how to do this for each other.
When a man, for example, tries to think about how he might communicate with his partner about his desire to be submissive in a sexual encounter, he might imagine being received with one of the following responses:
"Men are supposed to be dominant in sex."
"I want a real man, not a sissy."
"There's something abnormal about that. You should see a psychiatrist."
"Are you gay???"
While we live in a society where, on a very general scale, gender roles are relatively relaxed, when it comes to ideas about what constitutes normal sex we are still very polarized: Men are assumed to be dominant sexually, and women as sexually submissive. Both men and women are afraid to turn the tables, for fear of challenging this core belief. Generally speaking, women are just as afraid of their dominant sides as men are of their submissive sides. This fear is merely of the unknown - of the undeveloped parts of ourselves that form the basis of our shadow selves.
So the next time you have a frustrating conversation with a partner regarding your less than socially acceptable desires, have compassion and a little patience. The problem is not attributable to one individual but is a wider social issue that affects us all.

Imagine...

Imagine a world in which the teeming diversity of ways and shapes and sounds and colours and shades of sexual self expression were each held sacred...and you would have a glimpse into the kind of reality I attempt to create for my clients. The Grand Sexual Myth says that there is "Good, Healthy Desire" and "Bad, Abnormal Desire". And most of us run around trying like mad to prove that our desire falls into the first category. And most of us swear up and down that we've NEVER EVER entertained a kinky perverted thought in our entire lives. Which is ludicrous and patently false.
The people who come to see me are not strange or out of the ordinary. They are both a random sampling of the population and the rare few who are actually courageous enough to be honest with themselves about what turns them on. Much respect to each and every one of you!