Monday, June 30, 2008

Speaking the Unspeakable?

One thing I hear time and time again from my clients is that they don't know how to communicate about their particular fetish or fantasy to their significant others. In a perfect world, partners would hold for each other a space of unconditional love within which the couple could explore together like children in the playground of their mutual imaginations. Unfortunately, due to the prevalence of sex-negative conditioning in the way most of us have been raised, we don't know how to do this for each other.
When a man, for example, tries to think about how he might communicate with his partner about his desire to be submissive in a sexual encounter, he might imagine being received with one of the following responses:
"Men are supposed to be dominant in sex."
"I want a real man, not a sissy."
"There's something abnormal about that. You should see a psychiatrist."
"Are you gay???"
While we live in a society where, on a very general scale, gender roles are relatively relaxed, when it comes to ideas about what constitutes normal sex we are still very polarized: Men are assumed to be dominant sexually, and women as sexually submissive. Both men and women are afraid to turn the tables, for fear of challenging this core belief. Generally speaking, women are just as afraid of their dominant sides as men are of their submissive sides. This fear is merely of the unknown - of the undeveloped parts of ourselves that form the basis of our shadow selves.
So the next time you have a frustrating conversation with a partner regarding your less than socially acceptable desires, have compassion and a little patience. The problem is not attributable to one individual but is a wider social issue that affects us all.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Your Erotic Potential

Audre Lorde speaks extensively about the erotic as a profound transformative energy that goes beyond physicality to the core of who we are as human beings. One could say that the erotic is like a raw current of electricity: a profoundly powerful force that has the ability to both create and destroy. Electricity, harnessed with intention, has a very different outcome than the random uncontrolled chaos of a lightning storm. But both are the same energy.
As a Mistress, I consciously orchestrate erotic energy to create a particular outcome. These outcomes are a mutual decision between myself and a client, and can be as simple as: "I want to learn how to let go.", "I want to figure out what's blocking me from moving forward.", "I want to heal my grief.", "I want to learn about the submissive part of myself because I don't know how to access it."
The content of a session, its activities and scenarios, are not as important as the intention set by the outcome. The same destination can be reached in many different ways. As the Sufi poet Rumi says, "There are a hundred ways to kneel and kiss the ground!" Each individual's journey to their outcome through the vehicle of their erotic desires will be unique, but I've observed time and time again that the outcomes are indeed achieved. The clients that leave my space, through their own committment to their growth and pleasure and through their willingness to trust in the unknown to answer them, are different people than the ones who contact me initially with trepidation. The erotic energy was simply (and profoundly) the catalyst!

Monday, June 23, 2008

On Experiencing Fear

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

The Litany against Fear, from "Dune" by Frank Herbert.

Friday, June 20, 2008

What NOT to say to your Dominant...

And now for something I found hilarious, but absolutely true. Submissives: Enjoy, but if you try My patience by testing them out while serving Me you will pay dearly! This gem apparently has an unknown author, but can be credited to a BDSM knowledge and resource database called I took the liberty of editing it down to a Top Ten List for brevity.

What NOT to say to your Dominant...

1."Oh my god, where did you get those, they are gorgeous!!!" is not considered boot worship.
2."Ya want fries with that?", and "Want me to drink it for you too?" are not appropriate remarks when Mistress gives you an elaborate drink order.
3.Kicking that toy you hate far under the bed is futile. Mistress will only secure your wristcuffs to your anklecuffs and make you crawl for it... repeatedly.
4."Bite me" is never an intelligent response to a command.
5.Asking to go to the bathroom every five minutes while Mistress practices her Japanese rope work on you will try her patience, quickly.
6.Pretending Mistress's collection of buttplugs are toys and singing the "Weebles wobble but they won't fall down" song is not a good idea.
7."I know you are but what am I?" is not the appropriate response when called a raunchy little whore during humiliation play.
8."Missed me, missed me, now ya gotta kiss me" is an unacceptable remark when Mistress's flogger slips.

9.When Mistress pulls out her bullwhip and says she wants to play, she doesn't mean hide-and-seek...she will find you eventually.
10.Arguing whether "Mistress might not be right, but Mistress is never wrong" is Zen or Buddhist philosophy will only get you rewarded with kneeling in the corner on a bed of Legos "to help you consider the question in quiet contemplation."

Thursday, June 19, 2008


Some of you know that I am a student of shamanism, and that it has been so for over 5 years now. I find my role as a Dominatrix to be incredibly shamanistic. Case in point: Read these definitions of what a shaman is and tell me if they could not also be readily applied to the role of the Dominatrix:

"A person prepared to confront the greatest fears and shadows of the physical world." And depending on the results: "A healer who has experienced the world of darkness and who has fearlessly confronted his own shadow as much as the diabolic of others, and who can successfully work with the powers of darkness and light." (J. Sams, 1988) Certainly not all Dominatrices have forayed consciously into their own world of shadows, but I do believe that the ones that have are the ones that possess that otherworldly quality of "Being a True Dominant" versus trying to act like one. They can journey fearlessly into the sexual shadowland of another because they have come to know and become comfortable with that shadowland in themselves.

"He who knows the archaic techniques of ecstasy" (M. Eliade, 1972) We will forgive the use of the male pronoun here because the point of the sentence is much more profound. Who but a Domme has mastered the rituals and techniques of ecstacy to the point where she can produce in her submissive a veritable orchestra of sensation? Many describe "sub space", the state of altered awareness that can result from fully surrendering to one's submissive role, as a space of absolute ecstacy.

"Archetypal technician of the sacred. His profession evolves in the space that united mythical imagination and ordinary consciousness." (S. Larsen, 1976) BDSM ritual play brings the unlimited sexual/sensual imaginings of the mind to join with the physical reality of ordinary consciousness. The role of the Domina is to guide the submissive in the crack between the worlds where the two meet. In that magical space, anything is possible...and often lead really does get turned into gold.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Imagine a world in which the teeming diversity of ways and shapes and sounds and colours and shades of sexual self expression were each held sacred...and you would have a glimpse into the kind of reality I attempt to create for my clients. The Grand Sexual Myth says that there is "Good, Healthy Desire" and "Bad, Abnormal Desire". And most of us run around trying like mad to prove that our desire falls into the first category. And most of us swear up and down that we've NEVER EVER entertained a kinky perverted thought in our entire lives. Which is ludicrous and patently false.
The people who come to see me are not strange or out of the ordinary. They are both a random sampling of the population and the rare few who are actually courageous enough to be honest with themselves about what turns them on. Much respect to each and every one of you!